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Hiking Humour

Come on in for the "lighter side of the outdoors"


THE LONE RANGER.... The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his
faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto
replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone
Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute."Astronomically speaking, it tells me that;
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically
,it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a
moment, then speaks. " Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."


Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire...
1.Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2.Bandage left thumb.
3.Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4.Bandage left foot.
5.Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6.Light Match
7.Light Match
8.Repeat "a Scout is cheerful"and light match.
9.Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently
into base of fire.
10.Apply burn ointment to nose.
11.When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12.Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for
more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13.Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14.Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15.When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16.When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

How to cross a river... One day three men were hiking along and came upon a
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed
to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about
three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability and
intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He
looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.


Jackalopes are real ! I snapped a picture of this guy just outside of Kamloops B.C.
They move very fast and go for the shins . They have NO known natural
predators except man .Just be thankful they don't travel in packs "The Truth is out There"....waiting !


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood,
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the
other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told
them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in. "OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't"!!


Ever wonder why your beer goes empty so fast ?

Dear Mom
Our scoutmaster told us all write our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were
up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been
lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was
during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of
our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance
on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot
with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until
the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb
is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching
Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see are logging trucks.
This morning all the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim
and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. Scoutmaster Webb isn't
crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not
wearing our lifejackets.
Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave
dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it was probably
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that
way from the food in prison. I'm glad he got out of there and became
our scoutmaster.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

PS... How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?