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Vancouver Hiking

Come on in for the "lighter side of the outdoors"

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Survivor Stud. Does Wolf Mills really have to eat live millipedes for a week in the Costa Rican jungle, drink his own sweat in the Kalahari, or cross the Atlantic with nothing more than a dead sea turtle as a flotation device? Probably not...but YOU might! Check out this new site and learn how to survive !

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When I found the skull in the woods I immediately called the police , but began to wonder : Who was this person and why did he have antlers ?

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THE LONE RANGER.... The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert,
set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his
faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto
replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" ask The Lone
Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute."Astronomically speaking, it tells me that;
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically
,it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately
a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a
moment, then speaks. " Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

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Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire...
1.Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2.Bandage left thumb.
3.Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4.Bandage left foot.
5.Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6.Light Match
7.Light Match
8.Repeat "a Scout is cheerful"and light match.
9.Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently
into base of fire.
10.Apply burn ointment to nose.
11.When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12.Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for
more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13.Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14.Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15.When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16.When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.



How to cross a river... One day three men were hiking along and came upon a
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed
to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about
three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability and
intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He
looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

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Jackalopes are real ! I snapped a picture of this guy just outside of Kamloops B.C.
They move very fast and go for the shins . They have NO known natural
predators except man .Just be thankful they don't travel in packs "The Truth is out There"....waiting !

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood,
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the
other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told
them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave
in. "OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't"!!

Ever wonder why your beer goes empty so fast ?

Dear Mom
Our scoutmaster told us all write our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping
bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were
up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been
lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was
during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of
our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance
on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot
with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until
the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb
is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching
Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see are logging trucks.
This morning all the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim
and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. Scoutmaster Webb isn't
crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not
wearing our lifejackets.
Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave
dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it was probably
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that
way from the food in prison. I'm glad he got out of there and became
our scoutmaster.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Colin

PS... How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Tim, the atheist, was walking through the woods one day, admiring all
that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river!What
beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to
charge towards him.
Tim ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even
faster,so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart poundingin his
chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, Tim tripped and fell to the
ground.

As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him,
reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon Tim, a thunderous voice came from all
around,

"You Deny My Existence For All These Years,
Teach Others That I Don't Exist;
And Even Credit Creation To Some
Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me
To Help You Out Of This Predicament?
Am I To Count You As A Believer???"

Difficult as it was, Tim the atheist looked directly into the light and
said,"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these
years,but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well." said The Voice.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

.... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together,
bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am
about to receive."...

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 Canadian Information Centre
 
The All-Time Dumbest questions asked by visitors to Banff Park in
Alberta. Yes, they're ALL TRUE, as heard by staff at the Parks
Canada
information kiosks!
 
1 How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk
Crossing" signs?
2 At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3 Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff:
"Elk" Tourist: "Oh"
4 Are the bears with collars tame?
5 Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6 Is it okay to keep an open packet of bacon on the picnic table, or
should I store it in my tent?
7 Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8 I saw an animal on the way to Banff today . Could you tell me what
it was?
9 Are there birds in Canada?
10 Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11 Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12 Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13 Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that
Saskatchewan?
14 If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario?
15 Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16 How far is Banff from Canada?
17 What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18 Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19 When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British
pounds?
20 Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21 Are there phones in Banff?
22 So it's eight kilometres away...is that in miles?
23 We're on the decibel system you know.
24 Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25 Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26 Where do you put the animals at night?
27 Don't you Canadians know anything?
28 Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We
take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom". Tourist:
"Oh!"

A hiker was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The hiker took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
Again the hiker took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The hiker said, "Look, I'm a avid hiker and when I'm not hiking, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"

Vancouver Hiking